The Self Love Project

What's wrong with me...

2011-12-14T23:28:00.000-08:00

I've been eating nonstop.
CRAP food.
no gym for two whole days.
that's a record.
I swear.
I don't know what has come upon me, I just gave up on myself.
My self-worth is invisible beyond repair.
I need help.
I'm going home today, so i'm not too concerned.
That's the biggest lie i've told in a while. Next to i'm fine.
Somebody needs to help me ASAP.
NOW
SOMEBODY SEE THAT I'M DESPERATE FOR HELP
I CAN'T BE ALONE
I NEED TO FEEL LIKE I AM NOT FIGHTING THE FIGHT BY MYSELF
AND LOSING AT LIFE.
I AM BETTER THAN THIS, I HAVE TO BE
GOD WOULD NOT GIVE ME THIS FUCKING EATING DISORDER IF HE DIDN'T THINK I COULD HANDLE IT
BUT THATS THE THING, NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT
there is no having control over an eating disorder, or it wouldn't really be an eating disorder
self defined, it is losing the control of your eating habits and how you look at yourself.
i have poison in my body, pure poison
to have such self hatred should be a sin. i wish it was gone.
it's too much work, and i'm going through it alone.
I don't even think I can trust Liz, I don't think she is genuine.
Whatsoever. I feel like I have to watch behind my back nonstop.
It's more annoying than anybody could ever imagine, to feel like the people who you surrounded yourself with for the past 4 or 5 months, are faker than a barbie doll.
Somebody tell meit will be okay.
YOU DON'T NEED TO BE MY FRIEND, OR EVER SPEAK TO ME AGAIN.
just tell me i'm fine
please.

College.

2011-12-07T22:03:00.000-08:00

College is one of the many things in life that is certainly not for me. I am tired of the douche bag guys that walk the campus , one after another. Almost as though the supply is neverending. I am tired of going out on a WEDNESDAY. tomorrow is read day, a day the school gives us off so we can STUDY. Not go out and get totally drunk so tomorrow could be a day of recovery.
I've been meaning to come and sit out on the promenade for a while, while nobody else was out here. It is very calm and soothing. Maybe I can even get back into song writing again. Music is my true passion in life, I don't know why I ignore it so much. Singing is something that makes me truly truly happy.
Over my 18 years, I've learned that i'm the ony one that can make myself happyu. I am not ever going to have a boy in my life to do it for me, so I might as well get used to standing on my own two feet alone. No more hooking up, no more talking unless i'm being spoken to. I hate myself. But we already knew that.

When I made this blog, it was titled the self love project for a reason, but really, it should be titled :
REASONS WHY ALYSSA BLOCH WILL ALWAYS AND FOREVER BE ALONE AND IS UGLY AND FAT AND IF SHE WEREN'T SHE WOULD HAVE A BOYFRIEND blog.

I'll work on that one. ASAP

2011-12-05T14:46:00.000-08:00

I love feeling alone
feeling like nobody cares
of understands
or wants to know
I want to go home, with my family, where I belong
I hate everybody that ever hurt me
fuck that
fuck them
I hate my roommates, that's why I get so homesick
that doorm room, it isn't home. I sleep there.
I have no nurturing here, I hate it . I am only 18, I am not used to being on my own
I am 18
I live with an eating disorder
I can't help it
I can't "just stop"
and yeah, I agree, It's stupid
I wish it never happened to me, I wish my life didn't revolve around food or working out or hating myself, but it does. It gets in the way of everything too.
I can't just hang out with my friends, I have to schedule workouts.
And everyone talks about eating disorders like they're nothing, katie fucking makes fun of them
In the beginning of the year, high point put on a skit and it was like "It will never happen to me" they talked about having a roommate with an eating disorder and she kept a spoon in the bathroom. They always make fun of that. I have a deep dark secret only i know, I have a spoon. In my bathroom, so watch what you fucking say .

Maybe I don't belong here, or anywhere.
I want to go home
right
this
very
moment

2011-12-04T21:23:00.000-08:00

at this point in time, I am worse than I have ever been.
my eating is past out of control, I am almost embarrassed to admit it.
that's why i haven't talked on here in so long.

this may sound stupid, but my eating is linked somewhat to my social life. My friends are annoyances, not friends. I am tired of their stupid drama and stupid mood swings. Katie is never nice, she is loud and says really hurtful things, Tori is a whole different story. Lexie is too perfect to be around, she seems like she knows everything and she isn't flawed whatsoever. Liz is perfectly fine and I have no problem with Barrett. They really get me, I go to them with my problems, not my eating ones, those I only talk to Liz about. It helps so much to have somebody that has an eating disorder around. They get it. She encourages me to work out and not to eat and then understands everything i go through everday. I almost fight myself to eat. It is weird, and I don't really know how to explain it. I think I am going to go to a therapist at school. I don't exactly know how to go about seeing one or if we even do have one, but I may try.

Chinese Food
Pizza
coco puffs
cheerios
yogurt
cranraisins
peanutbutter
peanutbutter
peanutbutter

what the hell is wrong with me
I migh t as well not even bother going to the gym. It isn't fun, I don't like it. It is mroe like a burden. I wake up and I ned to plan when I'm going to the gym and then I have to talk myself out of relaxing or taking a dsession off. I only say session because I go to the gym at least twice a day. Sometimes, up to 3. I am running low on energy and motivation thou gh. It is quite understandable because i am b y uyself most of the time. It actually bothers me when my "friends" go. They are boring and I hate having them there. They almost seem to be in my way.

Maybe I am just bitter, maybe I am sick

I don't give a fuck anymore.

2011-11-29T17:15:00.000-08:00

I've been dreading about writing this post. I'm fat, and i'm convinced I will be forever

My desire to binge is greater and greater. I've attempted twice now, neither one was successful, but I won't give up. I hate myself. That's the reality of it

I went to the gym 4 times yesterday.
I've been once so far today, i'm going again at 10 probably. Scratch that I WILL GO AT 10.

I WANT TO GO HOME. END OF STORY.

2011-11-20T12:34:00.001-08:00

Lately, I have 0 control over myself. I eat whatever I want and then barely regret it. My work outs are lacking motivation and it's just not good. I have been looking into mia lately but i'm still unsure if I want to make myself throw up. Going home, it's going to be so much better. I can't wait. I'm going to the caf for dinner. fro yo and recess are in order. and a salad or something like that. I haven't eaten too badly today. I had granola and skim, egg white omlette and a strawberry banana smoothie.

2011-11-18T06:43:00.001-08:00

I've been eating so much lately. MUST STOP.

2011-11-17T06:48:00.001-08:00

I ate half a box of cinnamon harvest at 2am.
they aren't bad for you, but I ate them...

Save me.

2011-11-16T20:52:00.000-08:00

Somebody needs to save me from myself.
I hate myself
I want to get out of this ugly body
NO more eating
1 meal a day, if that
I've been going to the gym twice, sometimes three times a day.
This list is going to be horrible, I am disgusted to even list it in the first place:
peanut butter and 1 slice of bread
granola and 2% milk
salad, yogurt, granola
cinnamon toast crunch
omlette
fro yo with reeces
another peautbutter sandwhich
some chocolate, with peanut butter on it, of course

I wish I was bulimic on days like this. I should learn.

I ran 3 miles, did wall sits and walked backwards on a tredmill too.

thank god for Liz, she is my savior

2011-11-15T06:52:00.000-08:00

162.4

yesterday wasn't too bad
i broke my thumb
but eating wise i did pretty well

egg whites jalepenos tomatoes spinich peppers
1/4 chicken quessidila
flipz
protien bar
strawberry banana shake
fro yo with reeses
1/2 chicken salad sandwhich and cup of garden veggie soup

not too shabby, i'm pretty sure thats it

Lost battle?

2011-11-13T21:20:00.000-08:00

Without a doubt, I am going to regret today tomorrow. But I don't regret it now. This isn't like me whatsoever.

1 and a half peanut butter sandwhiches on WHITE bread
a granola bar
another granola bar
some oreos
3 reeses
egg whites with jalepeno's, tomatoes, olives and peppers
a bite of chicken parm
ramen
a peanutbutter banana shake
half a kitkat
cinnamon toast crunch

I CAN'T STOP EATING. WTFFFF DUDE

I went running though.

why don't I feel horrible?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
CAN'T LOSE CONCENTRATION. I REFUSE. I WILL BE SKINNY

2011-11-12T11:09:00.001-08:00

Last night is full of regrets. Am I an idiot? Am I stupid? I hooked up with one of my closest friends here, he already hooked up with two of my other friends. Nobody better find out about this. NOBODY. He better not tell a soul. I'm not. I feel like a wreck. I knew I shouldn't of been doing it the whole time, I knew it was wrong. I just want to pretend that yesterday night never happened.

I ate two cookies. FAT
I ate some pretzels. FAT

"stop eating for the body you have, and eat for the body you want"

I am down to 160.7 today, I feel pretty good.

Hopefully it'll last more than a few hours.

.

2011-11-11T12:01:00.001-08:00

This is not okay. Like legit not . In my what not to wear class, we are talking about tone vs. being thin. I may just cry. Only negative thoughts are in my head. I am hideous.

Friday!

2011-11-11T11:58:00.000-08:00

I feel pretty good today.
My body is exhausted, it's shot. My body won't allow me to run or even push myself anymore. I'm killing myself.

It better effing start showing soon. I was down to 163.2 this morning. And i'm happy...but I want to be 120. I want to be skinny. I want to be thin.

My mom told me I would never be thin. no matter what, because I was not made to be a stick, but I will be, I am determined.

...

2011-11-10T09:53:00.001-08:00

I didn't eat peanut butter !

but i binged at lunch
i had 2 frozen yogurts with granola.
way to be fat ass

2011-11-10T07:37:00.000-08:00

Day one: How tall are you, what do you currently weigh, and what do you hope to weigh after the 60 days? (Be realistic).

I am 163.4, 5'7 and after 60 days, I want to weigh 135.

NO MORE PEANUT BUTTER

LETS DO THIS !

2011-11-10T07:35:00.001-08:00

Week One!
Weekly challenge: Pick one unhealthy food or habit you have (eg. Artificial sweetener, chocolate, eating after 8pm, skipping breakfast) and aim to go 7 days without eating/doing it.

Day one: How tall are you, what do you currently weigh, and what do you hope to weigh after the 60 days? (Be realistic).
Day two: What is your MAIN reason for wanting to lose weight? (Be honest.)
Day three: Do you count calories? What is your daily calorie goal/allowance?
Day four: Do you work out? How many times a week?
Day five: Is there any specific event you want to lose the weight for?
Day six: Have you ever been overweight or underweight?
Day seven: Do your friends and family know you are trying to lose weight?

Week Two!
If you broke your unhealthy habit for one week, congratulations! Why not try two weeks?
Weekly challenge: Get organised! This week try to plan tomorrow’s meal the night before.

Day eight: Name 5 things you like about your body (you can do it) and the one body part you’d like to change the most.
Day nine: What is your favourite food, healthy or unhealthy.
Day ten: Do you eat breakfast? What do you usually have?
Day eleven: What are your family’s eating habits like?
Day twelve: What are your friend’s eating habits like?
Day thirteen: Is your diet ever negatively influenced by your friends? Do they pressure/tempt you to eat unhealthy food?
Day fourteen: Do you ever allow yourself a “rest day” from exercise or a “cheat day” from your diet?

Week three!
Weekly challenge: Add an extra 30 minutes to each work out this week, or if you weren’t going to work out at all one day, work out for 30 minutes!

Day fifteen: What is your favourite kind of exercise?
Day sixteen: Have you ever missed a work out just because you couldn’t be bothered?
Day seventeen: Have you ever been called fat? Or skinny?
Day eighteen: Do you have to eat any meals with your family? Are they for or against your diet?
Day nineteen: Have you ever lied to avoid eating something?
Day twenty: Do you binge? How often and what triggers it?
Day twenty-one: Do you listen to music when you work out?

Week four!
Weekly challenge: Switch up your diet. Try one fruit and one vegetable you’ve never tried before, and learn how to cook a new healthy meal.

Day twenty-two: Are you generally smaller or larger than your friends?
Day twenty-three: Do you feel that your weight holds you back socially?
Day twenty-four: Is losing weight one of your top priorities in life?
Day twenty-five: Do you ever eat fast food?
Day twenty-six: Do you drink alcohol? What do you generally drink?
Day twenty-seven: Does shark week make you hungrier than usual, and do you allow yourself to eat more at this time of the month?
Day twenty-eight: Are there any foods or drinks that you have completely banned yourself from consuming, or do you believe in everything in moderation?

WE’RE HALF WAY THERE! How are you guys going? Don’t worry if you’ve messed up a few times, it happens to the best of us. The important thing is that you’ve made it this far and you’re still going. I’m proud of you J be proud of yourself!

Week 5!
Weekly challenge: Go and buy yourself a nice item of clothing one size too small, hang it somewhere visible. Think about how good it will feel when you can fit it!

Day twenty-nine: What is your current weight? Have you lost, gained, or maintained your weight since day one?
Day thirty: Do you have rewards for reaching goal weight? What are they?
Day thirty-one: What are your favourite healthy snacks?
Day thirty-two: What is your weakness/one food you just can’t say no to?
Day thirty-three: Will you continue to count calories once you reach your ultimate goal weight?
Day thirty-four: Will you continue with the same exercise routine once you reach your ultimate goal weight?
Day thirty-five: Do you mainly do cardio, strength training, or both?

Week 6!
Weekly challenge: Focus on one area of your body (eg. Arms/abs) and work hard on it every day of the week, I bet you’ll see a difference after 7 days!

Day thirty-six: What’s one item of clothing you’d like to wear after losing weight?
Day thirty-seven: What do you wear when you go swimming/to the beach?
Day thirty-eight: What do you generally order if you have to eat out at a restaurant?
Day thirty-nine: What has been the hardest thing you’ve had to give up?
Day forty: Have you gained weight at any point of your journey? How did this effect you?
Day forty-one: Do you drink tea or coffee?
Day forty-two: What is the meaning of life? Just kidding. If you feel happy with the way your body looks before you reach your ultimate goal weight, will you continue to try and lose weight, or will you aim to maintain?

Week 7!
Weekly challenge: Aim to have a completely “clean food” week, avoid all processed food!

Day forty-three: Apart from weight loss, have you noticed any other benefits from your healthy diet?
Day forty-four: Do you drink green tea? (If you don’t you should. Seriously.)
Day forty-five: Who is your main inspiration to lose weight? Not a celebrity, someone from real life.
Day forty-six: Do you have a favourite motivational quote?
Day forty-seven: Have you ever come close to giving up? What made you change your mind?
Day forty-eight: Did you start losing weight before making your blog?
Day forty-nine: What’s the stupidest thing you’ve done in an attempt to lose weight?

Week 8!
Weekly challenge: Treat yourself. You’ve come so far already! Even if you haven’t lost any weight, you deserve to treat yourself for not giving up. Paint your nails, go shopping, go to a movie, get your hair done, anything that makes you feel good about yourself!

Day fifty: What’s the most calories you’ve consumed in one day? Why?
Day fifty-one: What’s the least calories you’ve consumed in one day? Why?
Day fifty-three: What’s something you’ve done to make yourself proud?
Day fifty-four: Can you see any noticeable changes in your body?
Day fifty-five: Do you believe this is a lifestyle change, and you will be able to continue with a healthy, active lifestyle for the rest of your life?
Day fifty-six: What have you enjoyed most about your weight loss journey?
Day fifty-seven: What is your current weight? Have you lost any weight since day one?

DONE! Congratulations if you’ve lost weight! And congratulations even if you haven’t, it takes a lot of dedication to keep on going even with minimal results. I hope you guys found this motivating and helpful :) love from Hellthy.

justsaying.

2011-11-10T07:00:00.001-08:00

Thinking Thinking Thinking

2011-11-10T06:56:00.000-08:00

I have to figure out a way not to eat food when i'm not hungry. I can't just stop though, I think once I do it a few times, it will get easier and I guess the first time is the worst, but i'm ready to change myself...no, not from my obsession. I mean commit fully to changing my body.

I read quotes a lot, because I research weight loss about 10 hours every day. I love reading the tumblrs and other blogs like mine, it makes me feel like i'm less alone.

My friends are amazing people, we have amazing weekends, and even better weeks. We can go party until 4 AM or sit around doing nothing, doing homework or creeping on people from windows. I love them. They are like a second family to me and i'm with them most of the day. BUT they don't have eating disorders. They can eat whatever they want, whenever they want, not go to the gym, and wear crop tops that show their stomachs. Cause that's fair and all...

It doesn't make me mad, it makes me confused, furious, and makes me hate myself even more. I blame everything with my weight on me. I am the reason I am fat. When in reality, i'm just big. Most of my body is muscle mass, my legs are fully muscle and so are my arms. My stomach could be a lot worse. but it's that 163.4 that I see on the scale, the hours I stare at myself in the mirror, that is when i'm fat.

And if you were wondering, that's all the time.

I wish I was bulimic right now

2011-11-09T22:36:00.001-08:00

I really do

A Moment on the Lips, is a Lifetime on the Hips

2011-11-09T22:29:00.001-08:00

i feel sick..again. NO EATING TOMORROW.

on the plus, I went to the gym twice today.

Probably was useless

Regret Part 2.

2011-11-09T08:40:00.000-08:00

Why the hell did I let myself eat all of that yesterday? 165.7 thanks a lot stupid no-control-over-eating self. I hate myself. I just worked out and I still feel gross. This means i'm going to the gym again after my 2:40 class for another hour. It's iced coffee for lunch. But what to tell my friends...
Yesterday at dinner, I went to the bathroom to cry to my Mom about how much I had just ate, and my friend comes in to make sure i'm not throwing up. I don't do that shit. That scares me. I'm still not admitting to having a problem, only an obsession. Problem seems way too harsh. And it shouldn't be a problem that I am trying to make myself skinny. It's just a lot of working out and watching really carefully (obsessing dare I say) about every little thing I put in my body. And it's a not a problem that I can't control myself at times, it happens to everybody. Doesn't it? Please say yes. Even if your lying, just say yes.

Regret at it's finest.

2011-11-08T18:53:00.000-08:00

I went to Olive Garden. I binged. I came back. I binged. and now, I'm sick and crying.

6 breadsticks
4 plates of salad
chicken, asparagus and tomatoes. red velvet cake and reeses. what the hell is wrong with me
And now I sit here, miserable. Not feeling happy whatsoever. Just to beat myself up about the same slip up tomorrow.

My fast starts tomorrow . I have a team dinner but I can prob just get by on a salad. Let's pray.

Train of Thought

2011-11-08T07:10:00.000-08:00

Today is G's 18th birthday ! This calls for a celebration...for everybody but me. We are going to olive garden, just another effect of my B.E.D or obsession, I can't eat all day. I can have a coffee after I work out, and that's it. I refuse to eat a full meal today. For dinner, I already googled the nutritional facts. I can have dry salad and ministrone soup. That's it. I'm gonna try my hardest not to eat the breadsticks, but I hear their pretty darn good. After that everybody is eating red velvet cake...Gum shall be my best friend. I'm getting a new pack when I go to Wally World later.
If you were to see me, you would see my left hand has a lot to say. I write NO! on the gap between my thumb and my second finger so every time I go to pick up food, I am reminded silently not to. Then on my wrist, is the word STRONG. I've been putting it there for a while now, I am a very strong girl. I play softball and field hockey and I run everyday now. I am muscular. Very very muscular, especially my legs and arms. I find that one of my best qualities.
STRONG doesn't have any relation to food, surprisingly. It is to my working out. When I don't want to run any further or don't want to lift anymore, it gives me strength. I work out alone. It gets lonely and I can only push myself.

Morning of the 2nd Day

2011-11-08T06:59:00.000-08:00

I feel gross.
I binged on Animal crackers last night.
I fell asleep crying.
I woke up crying.
And on top of it all, my mom made me admit that I have a problem. Admitting is the first step and I understand that, but i'm not going to change. No way in hell.

1st Day

2011-11-07T21:56:00.000-08:00

I should probably start by saying, my name is Alyssa. I am 18 years old and a freshman in college. About a year ago in November, I started going to the gym, taking classes and getting in shape. You would never of guessed I worked on myself for an hour a day and ate really healthy along with that. For some reason, still not known to me, my body refused to change. My weight dropped maybe 5 pounds, the only difference was the size of my chest. I went from a 36 C to a 36 B within 6 months. At this time, I was in the gym for about an hour to an hour and a half per day, rarely ever skipping. I would take kick boxing and weight lifting, with the occasional trekking class. People told me they saw a difference, but I didn't. Now looking back, maybe there was a change, but I struggle from severe negative body image. I lack self-confidence. I lack the ability to trust in others. I lack the ability to love myself.
Along with negative self body image, I suffer from B.E.D, an eating disorder. Binge Eating Disorder is when you obsess about going to the gym, binge from emotions or for other reasons where you feel like you can't control your eating. If there is food in front of me, I will eat it. And the more I tell myself to stop, the more I eat. And eat. And eat. And then cry about it later, and hate myself for days after. I feel like everything I put in my body ends up on the scale. I weigh myself multiple times a day, and beat myself up at the gym multiple times a day.
The last resort, is starving myself. I started about a week ago, and I've lost about 5 pounds already. I came here at 157.6, went up to 165 while eating too much of the "good" foods, but still working out and playing field hockey about 3 times a week. My eating was out of control, I would eat multiple servings and tell myself it was acceptable because it wasn't bad for me. I am now down to 160.3.
My daily schedule you may ask?
Tuesday
9:15 --> Wake up
9:40 --> Religion class
11:20 --> finally free from torture !
11:30 --> Gym
12:45 --> shower and get dressed
1:00 --> Lunch or Starbucks (depending on my mood)
6:30 --> Softball practice

See, it's pretty easy to skip out on dinner when you have a practice. You tell your friends your eating after, and they forget by the time your done that you never ate. And if they ask, I say I grabbed Subway or something. No more questions asked.